Friday, October 31, 2014

Life As Such

It isn’t what we start out as that counts so much, just what we end up being. An apple starts out as a seed, and ends up a nice looking fruit for the bobbin’ tub. An acorn becomes a mighty oak.

Even though sometimes we are broken time and time again in the process of what is called life, it’s how we end up all in all as we grow. Will we end up being lunch for someone else, because we are here to nourish their spirit or soul? Will we be the strong one, in order to bear their heart aches and losses? Will we be the water that cleanses their sins away, or the sun that brightens their day? Will we be the sentry outside the city gate?  Will we just be the hand that reaches out to them, or the smile that at that one split second they needed to see? How about just that ‘hi’ that you were least expecting…when you felt so all alone?

And you know, there are times that we know what we are to some, and then other times not know at all. We may never know the people that we have touched through our journey, and some may end up within our circle for life. We are the big brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, mommas’ and daddys’, friends and lovers  for this world. We are who everybody else depends on to be there. I think I’ve been just about everything to everybody at one point in my life (with the exception of the brother/daddy thing of course). And I have enjoyed each role that I was blessed to be given. 

Growing up, I never thought that I would be anything to anyone other than just what I was. (Which was what I was told by my peers). I never knew that anything I did would ever matter, or affect anyone else but me. But like the proverbial ripple in the pond, what I said, how I acted, what I did, where I went affected someone at any given time in my life. Only later did I ever realise how I affected some, good or bad.

Life. It is a journey and not a destination, as my boys from Beantown will tell you. Once I realised that there was no jump off point, I finally started to live it…


Love what you have. Live what is given to you. Listen to others when they talk. Reach out when someone is reaching for you.. Give advise when asked. Smile when you don’t feel like it. Show some one love in a world full of hate…


When you walk along your path, look for the ones by the wayside. You may be the only person they meet that day….

I Am No More

What does it matter? 
To any one really….
My life is just that 
what is it worth?
I sometimes wonder
would I be missed?
For me.
Just for who I am…
Or would it be
for what I have done?
For what gets done
Often I wonder
Who I am really…
So many questions
I ask myself
Why I do the things
that I do….
Will the emptiness in me
Be filled with something else
Will I ever care again?
Because I don’t
Will I ever feel the emotion
of love again?
Because I believe there is none
I feel numb inside
nothing
empty
and I laugh just to hear what
happiness used to sound like…
I look at myself in the mirror…
And wonder where I went…
Who I thought I was
I am no more…
So it’s ssdd…same shit different day..on with the show, get the ball rolling and the servant shall serve….
A smile on her face, eyes vacantthroat dry…just going through the motions of life

Something

I stay in the bedroom a lot lately away from Alex and Rick. It's a matter of choice just so I don't have to deal with them. That and I hurt so much lately. 
More over? It's the point of trying to have a conversation with either one of them that doesn't end with getting my feelings hurt. 10 out of 10 I'm going to have something said to me that is going to hurt. Oh, they think their snarky remarks are so fucking funny. Or their smart assed comments are something to laugh about. Or that Hey. I just don't have a sense of humor. This morning I was asked how the meeting went with Tony about the grant proposals on the animal shelter. I was excited and started to explain it only to be interrupted with crude remarks of just killing all the animals so they wouldn't have to build one, knowing it would upset me. It went on for a few minutes and I just stopped. I went back upstairs. Neither one of them meant what they said, but it was their way of getting a rise out of me for whatever reason. It's like they take enjoyment in seeing me upset. It's like they love aggravating me over my mother being from Ohio (no offense to those who are, but I'm straight up South Tennessee/North Georgia Southern Belle) and I get called Buckeye constantly. Yeah it was all "hahahahah' the first 100000 times. Now it's to the point of slicing their throats when they start. Or the one feather joke. I could go on, there is no point because it just turns into whining on my part about nine sentences back, and ten sentences down below.
I asked repeatedly over the past 3 months for a tarp to be put over our dog lot (as the other one was torn off by a storm). The dogs have a dog house but I like them to have a tarp to get them out of the sun, and to keep the rain out of the lot etc. It's October. It's STILL NOT on there. I was told today "I won't have time I have too much to do." It's always "too much to do" for everyone but me. 
They actually went to do it believe it or not, but then couldn't find the jute rope to tie it down. But then again, they didn't bother to look for it either. 
There's more. And I'm tired So very tired. 
I was trying to have a conversation with Alex just a few minutes ago (hence this post) and was told "MOM I don't friggin care! I'm trying to watch this movie!" 
I should have known better.....
It's funny really. 
When I am on the phone with my friends? I get told that I'm on there too long. When I'm on the computer I get told that I "stay on there too long don't I have other things I need to be doing?" 
When I'm lying in bed hurting beyond what any human should I'm told shouldn't I get up already I've lain all day. 
Coupled with the fact that my Dad is dying of cancer. My daughter is back with her abusive boyfriend (I won't even get into that). I can't do for my friends that ask me to do for them. I can't do for the friends who need me to do for them. 

Can someone please tell me exactly....
What good I am? 
They aren't around me when they're home but very little. But it's that ''very little' that I swear is making me want to live less and less. 
I told Kathy today that I want to leave from here...leave and never return. 
And I meant those words. 
This darkness coupled with the pain and depression 
The personal and private hell. Not being able to finish my stories or have a muse that shows me love back. 
I'm just so tired....of everything and everyone.... 
I feel like that one song....
Just Give me...Something to Believe In.....
(Because right now...I have nothing..at all to believe in...)

Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Unknown


I am losing myself to this darkness.
 I do not know which way to turn.
The light I no longer see. I only feel pain.
 Nothing like this before has overtaken me and this
 I do not understand. I am confused. 
I cannot help those who need me if I cannot help myself. 
When shall this darkness lift? 
When shall the light return? 
When will this pain go away?
I have never been this way in my life. 
I am at a loss for words. 
I sit all day staring out the window 
watching the leaves fall from the trees.
I watch as the others come and go, as the door slams shut 
and opens once again as they return. 
And yet, I sit. I wait. 
And I still do not understand these feelings that I have.
Cerriwin : October 30th, 2014

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Shane


My Muse. Mr. Shane Nichols also known as Mr. Leiff MacPolk of the Clan MacPolk of Louisiana.  Star of the new story "The Return". 
And yes. I had the privilege of hearing those words come from his sweet lips in that deep Southern voice of his... 
In March I have the sweet honor of meeting this wonderfully handsome rogue of a devil, Goddess willing. We will peruse the Red White and Brew, walk amoung the tombstones of Hammond and New Orleans and discuss the treatises sword fighting. I could sit and listen to him talk for hours on end of his tales old and new....
I never tire of his voice or of his .... 

The Return Chapter 3: Thoughts of Yesteryear


The Return Chapter 3
Thoughts of Yesteryear

It was Spring, 1860. A year before succession but the talks were there. The rumours were flying and every political candidate and businessman had their own opinions about things. Shane had traveled North to Kentucky to purchase some horses for the farm his family had bought near Drakes Plantation. He was new to the area, and Drake Sturgill was kind enough to show his family around, lending them advice on what land was good for farming and what was more fertile for retail crops.

He rode over that sunny Saturday only to find a woman in riding trousers! She was dressed just like a man save for the red ribbon in her long hair.  Although he wasn’t as conservative as some of his family and friends he was taken aback on this attire and quite quickly found that his sound observation was not reciprocated.

She stood there next to her horse, a black stallion only heard of in myths and legends. Her hair had been pulled back from her face, tied with a long red silk ribbon. Her blouse was tight on her body accentuating her figure, as the first two top buttons were undone, showing her cleavage. She was bent down and then back up, down again adjusting the straps to the western style saddle that no respectable woman would be seen riding in these parts. Her pants were tight, showing off her slim legs and her very noticeable posterior. He sat there on his horse in stunned silence watching her expertise with this fine animal as a bulge grew in his own pants. He didn’t realize the sweat that was forming on his brow or how his mouth suddenly became dry. 

Reigne knew he was there. She never let on. She attended to Death, checking the shoes, straps and securing the saddle. She had no idea who the stranger was, and frankly didn’t care. He was no doubt there for another one of her Grandpa’s land deals. That would be the only reason a man would be here this early. It was a beautiful day and she had wanted to ride for a while. Grandma’s parties would start soon enough, and she knew then she wouldn’t have time to ride, wade in the river, plant trees in the orchard with Grandpa, or anything else. Shane cleared his throat. Loudly. No response. He got down from his horse. Still no response. He held the reigns in one hand while he walked toward her, Solomon in tow, wanting to graze as he stepped. Still no response. Was she deaf?  He began to wonder. He came up from behind her, tapped her on her shoulder and she spun around like a top.

“What the bloody hell are ye wantin’?” she spouted at him, as he almost thought she’d pull the crop out of its’ resting holster on her horse and whip him with it.
“I…well…” he cleared his throat this time for real. “I..uh..well..” he looked down at the ground. What is wrong with me, he thought. She’s a tadpole this one, why was he acting like a love struck cheil!
He stood up even straighter. “Aye, Sorry tae be a bortha but Ah was wonderin' wa ur ye dressed 'at way?” he timidly inquired.
She stared at him with those azure blue eyes with flecks of gold that floated like rays of stars in the darkened sky.
“What do you mean WHY am I dressed this way?” she took a step toward him, he a step back automatically just in case she started to throw a jab.
“I.. I.. Yer dressed lach a...lack ahn amadan."  .”

With that, she lost it. Completely. She wasn’t for sure what he was actually trying to say but she knew from her Grandpas words that the last one wasn’t a nice one. She picked up a rather large rock in the yard and tossed it at him hitting him square in his left knee. He fell, nursing his knee as she stood there shocked he thought maybe of her actions, or maybe of his falling. He immediately started to play it up worse than what it was. One thing was for sure, she didn’t throw like a girl, she hit him right on his kneecap. That was definitely going to leave a mark. He lay there moaning and groaning as she came ever closer to him.

“Mister, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to..it was an accident..” Not really, she thought, as she was actually aiming for his crotch but thought better and decided to take him down with a knee shot. Even without her slingshot, she was a good throw. He moaned again, wincing as he ‘tried’ to get up, only to fall back down on his back, holding his bruised knee. Solomon had ignored him, grazing in the front part of the yard near the other horse standing still, intent on the succulent new grass blades that tasted like Heaven. She knelt down beside him, at a loss for words. Great. This is just great. She’s now injured someone, her Grandpa was going to put her in her room and not let her ride and this man started it all!!

“Okay listen, I didn’t hit you that hard come on, get up. Stop acting like such a baby.” She went to help him up, reaching him her hand only to be pulled down next to him, as he laughed at her for the fall. She hit him this time right in the shoulder as she quickly retrieved her composure enough to scramble up and dust herself off as he lay there laughing. She was livid at this point. “What the hell is your issue man? And are you lost or what? Did you NEED something? Are you here to see someone about something? WHAT?!” she yelled.

He got up, brushed his backside off and rubbed his knee again.  He held his hands out in front of him in surrender to this hellion, trying yet again to get the words out, “Aye, I be looking for Drake Sturgill.”  Shane finally got out.
She was still staring him down. Not letting this go she inquired , “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place instead of name calling me!”
Shane took a step closer, thought better and backed up. “I apologize. It’s just that I have never seen a young woman in a pair of trews before. I dinnea mean to say you looked like an idiot.”
She again stared at him. Moreover, glared at him. Who the bloody hell did he think he was calling her an idiot for wearing pants?

“Just let me tell you something Mister! I am NOT an idiot! I wear pants all the time! That’s what we do here in the South! Especially if we ride! And I am NOT your ordinary Southern Belle who sits her ass on the veranda all day sippin’ tea and fanning herself waiting for someone to come and spark her!”
Incredulous. Her speech. That accent.  No decent woman in their right mind would ever talk to a man that way. Okay maybe decent wasn’t the right word. No well brought up young woman would dare speak to a gentleman that way. After all, weren’t the ladies in the South raised to be genteel?

“Uhm. What does that mean?” Maybe he could distract her.
“What does what mean?” Reigne still had fire in her eyes and Shane had no clue as to how to put it out.
“Spark? “
She let out a grin, not meaning to he was sure. “Well, it means you  know, come see a girl. Calling on her. Sitting with her and making conversation. “ This man surely isn’t from around here, she thought. His accent was like Grandpas so he must be from Scotland.  She decided to turn her temper down a notch and see how far this could go.
“I’m sorry Mister…” she started to say
He interrupted her, extending his gloved hand “Nichols. Shane.”
“I’m sorry Mister Shane.”
He began to laugh. “Let me start over. My name is Shane Nichols. And you can call me plain Shane.”
Her face started to feel hot. She was blushing. Her mouth was dry, and this was getting very out of hand.
She took a deep breath. “I apologize for my behavior Shane, my grandma and grandpa did not raise me to be that impolite, rude or immature. You took me by surprise, and not knowing you from Adam, I retaliated by reverting back to my uncouth ways.”
“Well then. Apology accepted. And do forgive me for calling you a name.”
She smiled. “Oh. I will forgive. But I will not forget. “
She turned, ran up the steps of the house to the open doors and yelled for Tommy John to go fetch her Grandpa.  She came bounding back down the steps and smiled at him, going over to pet his horse who was grazing on the grass near Death.
Shane walked over to pet him as well, and watched as she reached into her bag on her horse to bring out a carrot to feed the both of them.
“So you like to ride?” He said, trying not to act so nervous. She was just a bairn of all things. Not even fully grown. Why did she affect him in this way?
“I do. My grandparents taught me, especially my Grandpa. “
“Your parents. Are they not living?”

She paused before answering. Yes, they were living, but their plans in this lifetime did not include toting around a small child everywhere they were going.  She knew from the time she was born, that she was the product of an arranged marriage between two warring clans in the homeland. Her mother and father marrying brought peace. It also brought her into this world. They did not love each other and thus went their own ways still married but living separate lives. She was loved by her mother’s parents. When they decided to move back to the Georgia Territory from the Highlands, they knew she was to go with them.

“They…they have their own lives to lead.” She said quietly. She had noticed that his Scottish brogue had lightened up somewhat and he was sounding as if he belonged around here than in the Highlands.

“Where are you from? Around here or somewhere else? I’ve not seen you around these parts.” She could have hit herself at that. Too many questions in one sentence Reigne. Blast it all, slow down!

“I lived in Dungannon for a very long time before moving to the States. My family moved here  recently. We lived in New Orleans for a while. You could say…my family travels a bit.” 

She smiled brightly. “Well I’m sure glad you’re here now!” She clamped her hand over her mouth, turned and ran up the stairs and disappeared into the large house.
Shane shook his head. Funny funny girl, he thought. Strange and funny.
Drake Sturgill, almost being ran over by his rambunctious granddaughter walked out toward the tall young man smiling.
“I see you’ve met our Reigne.” He shook hands with him, showing him up to the veranda where Tommy John had placed a large tray with tea and glasses.
“Yes. And I hope…to see more of her as well.” Shane said, the last part disappearing under his breath.

The older man poured the refreshing elixir, looking around to see if anyone was watching, pulled out a flask and added a touch of whisky to both glasses. Shane smiled. This man was whom he wished he could have met long ago. He was someone Shane saw as a father figure. Kind loving and compassionate to his employees, a gentle soul to his family and a wonderful mentor to those who wanted to learn.
“Has your family settled in now?” Drake inquired of him.

“Aye. I think my mother loves it here. Better than in New Orleans. Too much to be going on there and too many questions that got asked after a while.”  Shane drank deep of the tea, enjoying the edge that the Scottish whisky had given it.

Drake understood. It was always better of ‘their kind’ to live a life of solitude, away from the crowds of the city. Too many questions are asked when year after year you appeared the same. Around these parts though, no one took notice. Everyone seemed to take care of each other. The small hamlet of Ross Point was family. If you were not kin by blood, you became kin by heart. The citizens took care to protect those who found their way here. This had been home now for years. He had lived here in this area before any other white man had heard of Chief John Ross or knew of the Cherokee tribe who made their home here. He was there for the marriage of Daniel Ross’s marriage to Mollie McDonald. He was there sadly for the removal of all that was sacred to them. Yes, a long life he had forged out in this wilderness but he loved each moment of it, as it reminded him so much of his home. He was blessed and he wanted this young man to be blessed as well.
__________________________________________________________________

Years later, Reigne would bring their first meeting up. It was just a fuss, but it was brought up and she had learned a few Scottish names to call him as well. Yes. It may have taken her a couple of decades after their initial meeting, but it always came back to haunt him one way or another.
He smiled at the reminiscing. He missed being here. He missed her. It had been a while, and he knew that he needed to tell her why. The storm was still raging. Lightening flashed, thunder rolled. A tree limb crashed down from the tall oaks that stood near the house for shade during the summer. Reigne jumped and let out a small scream. He slid from the couch, going over to her, bending on his knees to hold her in his arms once again.
Her hair was the fragrance of fresh lemon and jasmine. Her skin as soft as a calm black velvet night. She didn’t resist this time. Her arms flung around him holding him tight to her as her tears began to fall.

His throat was tight, constricting and beginning to hurt. He held back his emotions as he did so many times before, but he finally found his voice.
Soothing it was to her ears his words that slowly came from his soul. “ Reigne. I would never die for anyone, but I would take a thousand lives just to be by your side one more night…”

“Do you understand what I have just said?” His words were imploring, begging to be comprehended.

Through her tears, through the hurt that she had endured while he was away, she understood. She could only nod in recognition to his plea. “Then we shall begin again?” He whispered in her ear as his kisses fell upon her tear stained cheeks. He found her lips, licking them before kissing her .






The Return Chapter 2: Soul Storm

The rain was coming down in sheets now. The lightening played within the gray rolling clouds as the thunder clapped and banged in the skies. The energy in the room seemed to increase tenfold. It must have been the room itself, as it was always his favorite place in the whole house and now that he was back, it was once again, as it used to be. It seemed that everything around missed his presence. Everything but her. She almost laughed at her own thought. She missed him as if he had been the sun to her moon. Those nights crying until no more tears came were hell on her. That would be something she would never let him know. Now here he was on this night of storms back where she always knew he belonged.

She wondered, as she sat down regaining her throne of dark blue velvet, if he would notice that his books were still where he left them. She looked at the first three shelves of combat treatise. All feudal, hand to hand and hand to weapon manuscripts, most first editions save but the older ones. It was his pride and joy.  She would walk in here when he first left just to touch the books. It was her connection to him. She could feel him through those pressed pages of wood and glue. After all, paper was made of a once living thing, and those who touch the pages of any book will leave their energy. No one had thought that he would have left so much of himself and she still did not know why. Did he know he would return someday? Was this just a test of her love for him or was it something more. She wanted answers. She needed them. She demanded them for her closure, or so she thought. Would she allow him back after she even received the answers (that is, if he was willing to tell), or would she go on as she had been, a broken soul just trying to concrete the cracks and close up the holes?

He walked on over to the bar, getting inside the cabinet to get a glass. “Want one?” he asked as she debated on another drink. “No. I think I’m going to need all of my wits about me to hear what you have to say.” She looked away once again, trying not to make eye contact with him. She knew that was her ace in the hole. Never looking him in the eyes. He had told her once that the eyes were the window to the soul, anyone not being able to look another in those eyes had something to hide. It wasn’t that she had anything to hide from him. She just didn’t want him seeing into her soul again. She laid it bare upon the buffet table once for him to rip apart like King Henry at dinner. No more. She was shielding herself from anything that he could possibly say to her.

He knew when he came here tonight that it wasn’t going to be easy with her. Nothing ever was. She accepted things too easy. If something went wrong, she would just let it go and say something about how it wasn’t meant, Karma could handle it, they weren’t meant to be in her life. She would shut down, analyze, disseminate, autopsy her emotions like a dead body and then write it all down neatly printing it out and filing it away. This was Reigne. That was what she did.  In all of her glorious Aquarian ways, she would pull a right-brained move, throwing the free love and flowers aside and turn to gaze upon Medusa turning her into the hardened statue her heart had become.

He bent down unlatching the cabinet to retrieve what he hoped would be a bottle of The Balvenie 21. He rattled bottles of Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Surely, she had some! He took out a bottle  of bourbon , a bottle of unopened Cadenhead's, Powers Gold, Old Inverness (no one saw that coming he thought sarcastically), but no 21. What the hell? He popped his head up from behind the large dark red bar and stared at her. “Where’s… where’s the 21?”

“Vegas?” she smirked. It was there. She had hid it far back on the other side in the darkest part of the liquor cabinet. There were some things she could do to alleviate her hurt and exiling his whisky was one of them.

“Come on Reigne. You always kept me 21.” He bent down again tearing out even more bottles, some half full others unopened. He had to hand it to her grandfather. The man knew his Scotch.  She sat and watched with slight amusement as he dissected everything in the bottom part, and finally , “Damn it I KNEW you had some!”, finding it, once again bringing it forth from the exile she had placed the bottle in.

She sat in quiet contemplation of what was to come. She could sense his emotions and right now, all of his attention and happiness was on the bottle of 21. He knew she could read him, and he had his shield up. This was going to be one adventurous night Reigne thought. She heard another clap of thunder, making her jump in the seat, and grabbing Shane’s attention albeit for a split second.

“Something wrong?” he said, as she heard him placing all the bottles back into the respective order, making sure his beloved 21 was out in front where it rightfully should be. “No. Nothing’s wrong.” She said, a bit loud for the large room as her words echoed around the vaulted ceiling landing right back in her own ears. He gazed at her, her legs swung over the arm of the chair, her hand cradling her head on an angle. Her long brown hair shown in the lightening as if Pixie dust had been sprinkled on her.

Again, he encountered her intoxicating perfume as a breeze blew through the library from some other window that had been forgotten and left open.Reigne gazed at him through half closed eyes as he made his way to the other side of the room where the overstuffed leather couch was. He sat down as the cushion made a whooshing sound before quieting down again. He bent down, taking off his boots one at a time hearing them thud on the floor as he scooted around, finally lying down on the couch like a contented cat. He squirmed making the couch sound like a high-pitched squeaky mouse. He loved that couch. She hated it. She should have burned it after he left. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, she surmised.

There was another roll of thunder this time deeper and louder than the last. It seemed that this storm was never going to end. Not that those kinds of storms here ended quickly in the heat of summer, but were as if the Heavens knew her feelings. She guessed in a way, they did. They cried every time her heart cried. They would smile when she was happy. Tonight? They knew it was inevitable that the storms that raged within her soul was coming to the surface, slashing at the heart, whipping around the mind and rending all of her emotions upon the craggy shores. His very presence was unnerving her. This wasn’t right. Her body longed to have him touch it. Her mind replayed all of the moments of love making with him. Each time he touched her body, he took away a minute piece of her. When he left, he left with all of her. There was nothing left now but the shell that once housed a vivacious spirit,

She waited as he sipped his drink, savoring each as it went down his throat, as smooth as the silken drapes in the dreams of sailors.  She knew he was watching her. Waiting for her to say something, but this was HIS moment not hers. She had nothing to say. She had said it all after he left her. She may have said it to Tommy John, Gods love him, but she would never say it to him. Tommy John had heard all the rants and raves of every woman who ever lived there for nigh on 160 years now. He was used to what he heard, nodded and smiled and went on about his business. He was a loyal servant and a loyal listener to everyone who resided there. She could use Tommy John around tonight. A distraction, someone to occupy her time right now instead of sitting here, sitting and waiting for him to speak when she knew in his heart he wouldn’t.

He observed her motions. The way she sighed. How she was unconsciously twisting her hair in her hand. Her fingers pulled through a grabbed strand and wrung it like a dishtowel. He knew he was in the wrong, but he would never admit this to her. No. You NEVER admitted anything like that to her. That was something that was banked on and brought up with interest when the timing was right for an all-out brawl of words. He found that out early on in their relationship.



The Return Chapter 1:The Gathering Storm


Listening to Rossini, she was brought back to what Beethoven had said about his works, and even though she loved Beethoven, she liked Rossini also, and didn’t in the least think of his work as “fluff. At times, she did however feel like invading Poland herself when she listened to the Ninth Symphony of Beethoven’s, and never understood why it had not played at chess tournaments or battlefields.


She brushed her long hair, in one stroke of the brush, first one side and then the other, flipping it over her face, bending her head and getting the back just like her gran always made her do. She was pensive today for some reason. It was hot, and although it had rained a little a while ago, it wasn’t humid as it usually gets on the last days of August. The sun was out, and setting in the west in a fireball of oranges and reds. Even the sky took on a pinkish hue of iridescent color. It was pretty out, but she knew it wouldn’t last. A storm was going to brew before sunrise. She could feel it. The moon was in the darkness right now, and would be full in a few days. Energy was building, not only in the atmosphere, but inside her as well.


She couldn’t put a finger on her mood today. It was not a bad one. It was not a great one like it had been. She could not discern it to be a calm one, because she felt so jittery inside. However, she wasn’t nervous either. It irked her that she felt this way. When she couldn’t put a name to her emotions, she walked the floors, cleaned the place, plucked the garden dry of every weed there was. It was good to get things done, that was no argument, but she didn’t like this feeling of expectancy.  Like, something was going to happen, but she didn’t know what. That was it. Something was going to happen. It bothered her slightly that she just couldn’t figure out for the life of her as to what it was going to be. She didn’t like surprises. Well, Christmas and anytime she got a gift was an exception to the rule. It was that kind of…unknown dark surprise that scared her. But what could it be?


She shooed it off, chalking it up to the unpredictable southern weather. It always does this to me, she thought to herself. It’s the electricity in the air is all. She finished her hair, flipping it back out of her way as she thought to find a hair band to braid it with later. As hot as it was, she sometimes just wanted her hair down instead of up all the time. Her brown hair was thick; she took that back after her gran who was Cherokee. It would do for her to wash it later. That may cool her down, some cold water upon her neck and head. She got up and went through the house into the library where the bar had been kept since time immoral. A mint julep just might calm her nerves this evening. The sun was quickly fading as she noticed storm clouds coming in from the East fast approaching. 


She found the bourbon and poured some in the tall glass. Then just a little more, knowing that it was just a bit much, but she didn’t care. She fixed it to suit her taste and a bit more always suited her in times like these. She got the sugar out pouring a teaspoon in the amber liquid. Next the mint, and the crushed ice from the small freezer hid neatly behind a mahogany door.She stirred well, getting a little more mint for garnish. Rossini had quit playing and now it was Wagner’s turn to enchant her with his Das Reingold.She never checked to see what followed whom, always wanting to let it just flow with who would pop up next. She loved guessing the music, just to see if she could get it right. She loved classical, ballet, opera, and the musicals. No one else in her family remotely was interested in those things. But, she was always wanting to learn new and different things, new and different languages. She loved listening to French and even took it in school. She did good, and learned a few of the less desirable words to go along with it, but now..it was a distant memory. She could still tell someone to go to hell, and quite possibly suck something, although after she thought about it..that word probably meant butter instead of dick.


She sat in the oversized blue recliner that was next to the large windows looking out amoung the orchard. Soon, it would be time to harvest the apples and peaches. The blooms had already fallen off and she could tell the hard nubs that had been there the month before were now beautifully formed peaches and apples. She had done good to keep what was there, fighting everyone in the family to stave off ultimate decimation of the orchard that her grandfather had worked so hard to plant, cultivate and finally pick to sell at the local General Store all those years ago.  


Winter. Too far off to think of that right now. The sky was getting darker, and yes, she thought she heard a vague rumbling in the east. Storm is going to be bad; it is coming from the east instead of west this time. The window was open, and a breeze began to blow, warm at first, then turning cooler as the moments progressed. She shivered, not because of the drink or the wind. No, the hair on the back of her neck stood up. Something. Something is coming…


She got up and lit a candle. She had electrical of course. She just loved the way the candles would throw off shadows that danced on the walls like two lost lovers in an embrace. The wind blew the long white tapers out. She walked over to the window to close it, and shutter them for the night. Something out of the corner of her eye caught her attention. Was that someone under the tree at the far side? She looked intently again to see if she could see anything, but saw nothing this time. She giggled nervously. Just her imagination. Just a trick of the lightening and limbs of the trees hanging down. Moss. It was the moss in the two hundred year old oak tree out there. That’s all it was.She turned, relit the candles and walked to the big double doors to shut them. She loved to keep them open during the day and into the evening hours letting the breeze flow through the big plantation house. It had begun to spatter the rain big dabs intermittingly at first, then the heavens opened up and the tears of the Creator fell as if out of a broken heart.


A chill went down her back. The air wasn’t cold enough to do that, and the rain was not that bad either. She hated this, and checked herself to put a lot more Jack in the julep next time, which was right in a few seconds.As she turned again, she thought she saw something. Looking both ways now, nothing.


She turned to go in, treading lightly on the oak floor. She went through the foyer, starting up the long winding staircase that had felt the footsteps of 4 generations of her family, and ran right into him. Wet, soaking was his leather duster and faded tan cowboy hat. Rain was dripping from his long brown hair and he had that big grin on his face. She instinctively punched him in the gut. He loved doing that to her. He also knew she hated being scared that way. His hair was longer than she remembered from the last time, reaching down to his shoulders. Memories flooded back to those moments when she would lie in bed watching him sleep, playing softly with his soft locks, as she was sure Delilah had Sampson’s so many thousand years ago.


He grimaced as his hands went to his bruised stomach. “What was that for? I thought you’d be pleased to see me, not knock the wind outta me!” he straightened up and gave her that grin again. He knew she couldn’t resist it, and she knew she couldn’t either, and that pissed her off worse of all. 


She hid her excitement at him being there. It had been a long time. Far too long, she had dreamed of him, made love to him in those dreams as she used to. After a while, the dreams got less and less until there was none and his memory just another faded photograph she kept on her nightstand.


Crossing her arms in front of her all she could do was look at him. He still had that effect on her, as she was sure he did every woman. What was there not to love and or potentially lust after? Tall, chiseled features, high cheekbones, hazel eyes and that imploring look within them. Those eyes and that smile, all she had to do was look into them and before she knew it, she was damp in places that shouldn’t be. What the hell Reigne, take hold of yourself girl! It’s NOT like he’s NOT here for a reason her mind told her.


“Well, aren’t you gonna say anything? Or are you just going to stand there with those arms crossed over those..bosoms of yours.” He laughed that deep throaty laugh of his.“Why yes, ah thank ah will say something..” she said in that fake southern drawl she used to express herself when pissed.


She batted her eyelids like she had a bug stuck in the corner of one, and fanned herself with one hand while the other sat down the candelabra and  went to her left hip. “Mistah Nichols, quite frankly I don’t give a good godsdamn!”


She whipped around, tears stinging her eyes trying to make her way back down the stairs before he grabbed her to face him. 


She heard him calling through heartbeats as she felt his arms encompass around her. She knew then that it was over. She had no other place to run. She felt his lips on her neck as he brushed her hair aside. He tenderly turned her around to face him, wiping her wet cheeks, kissing her eyes as he himself remembered how her skin felt against his hot lips. 


“Don’t.” she whispered, almost inaudibly. Her mind was reeling from all of this. It had been too long and this was such as it should never be again. 


“I can’t. I can’t stop.” He whispered back hoarsely, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her down on the hard floor, smothering her with kisses from behind her ear, trailing down her neck and resting his head finally on her heaving chest. His fingers wrapped around her wrists as they held them suspended above her head, He could feel her struggle at first, then going limp. He felt her hands close in on his own as if they were searching for comfort from his sweaty palms.  


 “I’ve wanted to come back for so long. I never wanted to leave you, but…” his voice cracked and trailed off as the lump in his throat refused to go away. He would never be able to explain it to her. The reason left to begin with and why he had returned tonight, of all nights, he came to invade her presence and letting his heart show all over again. Gods how this could be such a double-edged sword. He never meant to hurt her, but she would never be able to believe that. He knew her. Once her heart grew cold and turned to stone not even Michelangelo himself could chip away at the stone.


Her breathing had settled down to almost normal. She was still in shock. This was nothing but a very vivid dream. She’s fallen asleep in the chair while the rain came pouring down out of the heavens in buckets. The Jack had lulled her into a state of drowsiness and this was the result of her not drinking that much and not being used to what she had imbibed in. 


She opened her eyes, seeing his head still resting on her chest. She could smell his cologne; the rain-dampened hair was starting to curl slightly on the ends. She licked her lips and thought of what to say. After all, this was NOT the most comfortable position to be in. She squirmed just a bit, enough to have him look up at her and once again smile.


Clearing her throat she inquired as best she could in a steady voice, “ Shane. Do you plan on letting me up or are we to die like this in our old age?” she smiled, licking her dry lips again as she felt him move, just a bit before looking back up at her. 


“I’ll move only if you promise not to take off like a bat out of Hades again.” Her scent was intoxicating. This wasn’t her usual perfume she wore. This was hints of Chinese magnolia petals and the velvety scent of vineyard peach. Those two scents came through but he couldn’t recognize the other smell. Whatever it was, it was driving him mad. He always was turned on the smells, and regardless of whom he was with, it was the smell of their hair, perfume or body that always sent him over the edge. He breathed deep again, taking in all of her scent along with the mint julep she’d drank just an hour before. 


She sighed. If she was ever to get up from here, she would have to or he would stay all night in this stupid position. Her back was beginning to ache from the small runs of hardwood. “Fine. FINE DAMNIT. I’ll not run. I’ll be good! I’ll not go anywhere.” Her words pierced his ears as she yelled the first ones, the others drifting off into thin air by the last word uttered.


He slowly released her hands, his own falling away, and pushing himself up from her. Reluctant at first, he just simply did not want to move from that spot. He heard her heartbeat once again, as he used to such a long time ago. His heart skipped a beat at the memory of lying in bed with her, the floor length windows open to the large balcony, the wind billowing the long sheer white curtains that hung in her bedroom.  He got up quickly, losing his balance and smacked the wall with a dull thud. She started to giggle, still laying there. It couldn’t be helped. It just came out. She saw the look of surprise on his face as he stumbled, then hit kersmack right into the wall. She knew it was her nerves, but she couldn’t stop. Fits of cackles came out of her mouth as tears ran down her cheeks, this time in laughter instead of heartache. 


He stood there, stunned at her peals of giggles. “Why are you laughing? I could have fell on top of you and squashed you like the little bug you are!” he said, ego bruised and smarting from her flight. 


She sat up, getting herself under control. “I..” she stuttered, “I’m sorry. It was the look on your face as you had that split second of falling.” She started to giggle again, but quickly cleared the remaining laughter from her throat, shifting her gaze from him to the lightening that just struck outside. 


She felt his hand on hers, helping her up from the floor. “Well now that we’ve broken that awkward ice, how about a drink? I can tell you have already started before me, and I’m thirsting to death right now.”


 He walked toward the library not looking back to see if she was following.. Awkward wasn’t the word for it. She was experiencing these emotions earlier today. Her soul was trying to warn her ahead of time that he was what was coming, not the storm. Wait though. He was always her storm.