More over? It's the point of trying to have a conversation with either one of them that doesn't end with getting my feelings hurt. 10 out of 10 I'm going to have something said to me that is going to hurt. Oh, they think their snarky remarks are so fucking funny. Or their smart assed comments are something to laugh about. Or that Hey. I just don't have a sense of humor. This morning I was asked how the meeting went with Tony about the grant proposals on the animal shelter. I was excited and started to explain it only to be interrupted with crude remarks of just killing all the animals so they wouldn't have to build one, knowing it would upset me. It went on for a few minutes and I just stopped. I went back upstairs. Neither one of them meant what they said, but it was their way of getting a rise out of me for whatever reason. It's like they take enjoyment in seeing me upset. It's like they love aggravating me over my mother being from Ohio (no offense to those who are, but I'm straight up South Tennessee/North Georgia Southern Belle) and I get called Buckeye constantly. Yeah it was all "hahahahah' the first 100000 times. Now it's to the point of slicing their throats when they start. Or the one feather joke. I could go on, there is no point because it just turns into whining on my part about nine sentences back, and ten sentences down below.
I asked repeatedly over the past 3 months for a tarp to be put over our dog lot (as the other one was torn off by a storm). The dogs have a dog house but I like them to have a tarp to get them out of the sun, and to keep the rain out of the lot etc. It's October. It's STILL NOT on there. I was told today "I won't have time I have too much to do." It's always "too much to do" for everyone but me.
They actually went to do it believe it or not, but then couldn't find the jute rope to tie it down. But then again, they didn't bother to look for it either.
There's more. And I'm tired So very tired.
I was trying to have a conversation with Alex just a few minutes ago (hence this post) and was told "MOM I don't friggin care! I'm trying to watch this movie!"
I should have known better.....
It's funny really.
When I am on the phone with my friends? I get told that I'm on there too long. When I'm on the computer I get told that I "stay on there too long don't I have other things I need to be doing?"
When I'm lying in bed hurting beyond what any human should I'm told shouldn't I get up already I've lain all day.
Coupled with the fact that my Dad is dying of cancer. My daughter is back with her abusive boyfriend (I won't even get into that). I can't do for my friends that ask me to do for them. I can't do for the friends who need me to do for them.
Can someone please tell me exactly....
What good I am?
They aren't around me when they're home but very little. But it's that ''very little' that I swear is making me want to live less and less.
I told Kathy today that I want to leave from here...leave and never return.
And I meant those words.
This darkness coupled with the pain and depression
The personal and private hell. Not being able to finish my stories or have a muse that shows me love back.
I'm just so tired....of everything and everyone....
I feel like that one song....
Just Give me...Something to Believe In.....
(Because right now...I have nothing..at all to believe in...)
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