It Doesn't Matter

She lay there, watching him sleep. She enjoyed the silence that came from the after math of their love making. There were times that they both lay exhausted in the mingled sweat and juices of their ecstacy with one another. Others, it was off to bath and clean up, both in the tub washing each others back and making love once again before the water got cold.

She was perplexed. The candles were low now, and she never let on to him that she knew.
It wasn’t a big deal to her, this thing. It just perplexed her that he never trusted her to know.


It wasn’t like there were things about her that he didn’t know. Lord knew that yes, she had told him some things. He knew about a child hood incident and how long did it take to tell her husband? 15 years? 15 years and he never knew why she was the way she was, or why the nightmare’s came sometimes often, sometimes less. Her husband  never knew her reason behind her fear of water, but right off...she felt comfortable in telling the sleeping soul beside her why..

What hadn’t she told him? She never fully told him the story behind her injury. How it was a drug bust gone badly wrong, with her partner taking a bullet that should have been hers rightfully.
They had worked this for months, getting to know the ones behind the pill ring. She and her partner always acted like a couple. They had been childhood friends, his dad in law enforcement and him to follow in the footsteps of his old man. She had gotten into the undercover work by a twist of fate....

My how fate plays you like a violin sometimes...


She was 14 when she met her boyfriend, and 16 when she married him. Child bride, yet she graduated in 3 years with honors, and desired to go to college. She wasn’t afforded that opportunity, as she got her first job 3 days after she graduated high school. College wasn’t in her cards, it just never happened for her. She did land a really good goverment job, and no one questioned her being 17 at the time. This afforded her to meet a lot of influential people. Senators,
Governers, Representives, the whole lot of political figures.

She was never intimidated by any of them, as some was that met them. She told the governor once that he could like her or bite her. Not meaning to be rude to him or disrespect him in anyway, but his cockiness  just got the best of her. He thought that everyone should have bowed in his presence and she was one that although she shook his hand, she refused to look down and not look him in the eyes. The eyes told all to her, and she had no problem in letting anyone know that she was not one to be intimidated.

The governor laughed at her statement and hugged her. After that, he would ask about her every time he would call for her boss, and made sure that she was taken out to lunch when he came to town. He told her once that if there was anything she ever needed, to let him know.


One day at work, her childhood friend came by to pick up his girlfriend. She had known that Stacy was seeing someone, but she could never had guessed it was him. He walked in, and took one look at her and melted it seemed. They hadn’t seen each other since she had gotten married and moved a ways down the road. They had led separate lives for a couple of years and hadn’t kept in touch.

He asked her how things were, and she told him. He smiled, kissed her on the cheek and hugged her. He and Stacy left for lunch. After that, he would come by just to chat, telling her what all was going on with things in his life. He was into law enforcement now, undercover. He loved the excitement of it, the acting. Yes, sometimes it was dangerous, but most of the time, routine work. You cuff’em and stuff’em as he put it. They would bond out, and go on their way still selling till court date. Life in the small county was way different than the big cities. She had expressed interest in what he done, always loving the thrill of things. He always called her his little daredevil growing up. It was one dare after another and most of it she did. (Barring the fact that she refused to kiss Vincent on the lips...).

He came into her work one day, bringing flowers for her and Stacy both (to which, Stacy became some what jealous of the fact that he was doing that). He asked her after lunch, would she be interested in helping him on something. It required knowledge of things she knew about. He trusted her, he said, and she alone would be the one to help him.

Sure. She had no problem in helping him with it. Would her husband mind? What would he think?
He wouldn’t have to know. And for 16 years, he never knew. She took another job that landed her on nights, which freed up her days to do undercover work. Vehicles were provided, another residence was in place. She wasn’t on the regular company payroll so to speak, as most that did what she did wasn’t. No formal police training was needed. She always had teachers to tell her that she was a damn good actress, so she put the theory to the test. There were times that yes, she could have won an oscar had it been given for such performances as hers. Bust after bust, and she became good at what she done. She and her partner became closer as the years went on, always being there for each other. They were the Scully and Moulder of the force. Everybody from the Captain on down always thought that they were either married or together. They were neither. Just always there for each other. They just had that chemistry that couples who are married should have.

She often wished that her husband and her had it. She had married him to get away from an abusive home. Did she love him? Yes. With all of her heart and soul she loved that man. But, being the only child of domineering parents, he couldn’t let go of that relationship with them and it slowly destroyed anything she had felt in the begininng...it was all about what his parents wanted out of her and him. Where to move, what to buy...hell..she was told just to show up at her wedding. She wasn’t even allowed to plan that. They did it all. And it wasn’t that she was ungrateful...it was the attitude that was given to her...she knew..she was nothing. Never been nothing to anyone, and nothing to them. And what surprised them the most was....nine months later...no bundle of joy. Two years later, no bundle of joy...she never wanted kids...and that irked them to no end. She finally ended up having a child. The day she found out, she took her wedding ring off and never wore it again. Why? Because she could. The love had gone. It wasn’t the fact of being pregnant, it was the fact of being pressured into it so bad, tortured over it so bad, that a ring on her finger only signified ownership. She was tired of being owned and treated as such. She had one, and a few months later, got pregnant again. She worked at her one job, but had to quit the uc for a while.

She never wore her wedding band again.
 

She ended up meeting a really nice guy who liked the same things she did. She had met him at her work, not knowing who he was at the time. Later on, one of the girls that had a major crush on him told her...and was she ever surprised at who he turned out to be.

It started out innocent enough, until one day, he kissed her. She didn’t know how to react. The only kisses she ever got was from her husband, and of course her partner when they were uc.
The kiss bloomed into something else she never expected. And so did her feelings.

The strain of everything that had happened at home had gotten to her. She no longer felt married to the man she had loved a lifetime. He was there, she was there. It seemed that his life revolved around his family, work, friends, fishing...and last her...
Feeling unloved and unwanted, this guy gave her what she desired...care.
It was kept secret the whole time, no one knowing. If she went out with him, she had a cover story. Things became better at home for sometime. She never ignored her children, always they were her priority. Even when her in laws suggested that she give them up to them so they could draw social security on them, she hadn’t freaked out entirely like she normally would have. She just laughed and told them both to go to hell...and walked out.

That wasn’t her last fling as some would call it. It ended sadly...things couldn’t be helped...

She put all her energy into raising her children, and getting them into school. Off and on she helped with her partner, nothing too major, but she at least felt needed by someone.

When the children got into school is when she found another really good job.

This one was great hours, and she could get some undercover time in when she was needed.

It was a couple of years after she started back to work that she met someone else. He had went to school with her...and from what his cousin told her had loved her since then. Why? Oh who the hell knew..but he had said he did...

Again, all innocent. Both trying at their broken marriages to mend them..being there for each other, until being there meant something else entirely.

This time, it wasn’t so private. He met her husband, became good friends with him. They were partners in business at one point. She never liked his wife, so that was a bust, and it seems his wife never knew...
Two years later, they were no more. Although he treated her like gold, and loved her truly, she had to break it with him...

He was unbeknownst to her in the beginning the one thing that led her to do undercover work. He was a drug dealer. It went against everything that she believed in. When she found out, it tore her heart out. She never suspected nor did she know...but everything made sense with that revelation..

What a catch 22. The man, the one man that she would have left everything but her children for was a big time coke and pill distributer. The Captain had known of her relationship with this man, and just thought that it was what she did. Little did he know, she was in love with him...

It was when she was approached by a fellow agent, that she knew it had to stop. She broke up with him, and quit the force.

No more. No more undercover. No more love. It was all too much to bear. Her husband was more than thrilled to know that she and him had broken it off. He was thrilled that she had quit the undercover work, although he never mentioned the fact that the extra money was what paid for all the family trips that were taken, or all the things that were bought.

She went through the motions of living it seemed. Work, home, kids..wife duties and cinderelly chores as she would put it.

She had even divorced the one she vowed herself to, and three years after that was willing to marry him again. To try again...she bought new rings, getting the biggest ones she could find. It took five checks to pay them off, but by hell, she did it. This time, it was going to be her wedding the way she wanted it! The week end they were to be married...he went fishing. Fishing. Of all the week ends to go, he went then.

The rings? Oh he wears his. Her set is in a drawer, along with the first single gold band...

A year after that, her old partner came to see her...
One more for the road, he’d say. Come on, just one more time for old times sake.

What would it hurt? One more time..
And she did. No one was any wiser. Her husband thought that she was just seeing someone again.

They had a job to do, and they were doing it well. It was time for the cars to show up, and one coked out punk pulled a gun. They were on the porch, and when he saw the cars, he freaked, and grabbed her. Her partner yanked her away, she was thrown over the porch, and her partner took a bullet that should have been hers.

The guy was shot, dead. Her partner taken to the hosptial and operated on. The bullet couldn’t be removed. She ended up with a severe back injury that almost crippled her. The fall she took landed her on a big rock, the impact busting two of her disks.
There was no explaining to her husband what happened. The Captain made a deal with her work (which was of course a county job anyway) that comp would pay..cover ups and lies as usual for a small town...

No. She never told him about any of that. Some he knew, other things he didn’t. But it was a don’t ask don’t tell thing they had. Had he ever asked, yes. She would have told.

But she never asked anything of him, figuring one day he would tell her what he wanted her to know. 

She didn’t exactly knew how she felt right now. Perplexed for sure. He knew the gist of her life. She never lied to him about things, he knew how they were.

But yet...he never let on, never mentioned...

She lay next to him, scooted up close and laid her cheek next to his naked back and closed her eyes. She loved the feel of him, so soft after she would rub him down in baby lotion. She loved the smell of it on him and how he loved her hands on his body.

She thought about how he made love to her..did he do that...no. She couldn’t think that. Wouldn’t think that. It didn’t matter. Was she with him? Yes. Did he...care for her? She guessed.

So. How would she handle it? Did it matter? Did it change things? Did it affect how she felt about him?

Her hand went to his cheek. She carefully lay her leg over his. The candles were almost out, and the music was so low it was like a dream...her eyes were heavy now with sleep and thought.

No. She would never let on. No. It didn’t matter. No. It didn’t change things.

He rolled over, and in his sleep, hugged up to her. This. This is what matters. Him in my arms now. Him with me.

She had been through it all in the past. She thought this one was different, but she guessed wrong again. And no, it didn’t matter. It was what it was and that was what mattered the most.

She would never let on...
She would never tell..
And only when he told her himself...
Would she know...

And then she could tell him...that no, it really didn’t matter. ..

)O(