Letter to my Grandmother

The things I remember about my gran was that she was a hellcat. She had a temper on her to match any man. She was Cherokee and looked every inch of it. Blue eyes, high cheek bones, black hair. She had long fingers and her hands were worn and callused. She wasn’t afraid of work, and taught me that it wasn’t anything to fear as well. She taught me a lot actually.

Never to promise anything that you couldn’t keep.

If you couldn’t walk the walk not to talk the talk.

feed the animals, because they couldn’t feed themselves.

Be good to those who weren’t good to you because the Great Creator never punished anyone for being nice.

Forgive.  Forgive those who have done you wrong, because in the end, it was their loss and not yours, their guilt and nothing that you did.

This is my letter to her in a sense I guess. She always taught me that when I had a prayer answered, to write a letter to the Great Creator and place it in the Bible. Over the years, those letters have piled up, along with the ones that had prayers on them that I had asked.  She was my answered prayer so many times. So many times she saved me from horrible beatings, and held me when I had nightmares. She walked with me, and smiled at me. Held me when I cried, and gave me hope when I had none left.

So, this is for her….Louisa Warrix Bryant Short.

Dear Mommy,

I don’t remember anything about being told you had went to the Summerland. I couldn’t remember your funeral and still don’t, just relying on what I was told. I don’t remember it being at the home of my happiness. I don’t recall them dragging me away from your casket as they closed the lid on your frail body and taking me back into my room..the room you helped me to paint steelers’ yellow.

I don’t recall screaming “mommy” over and over till I didn’t have breath in me left to breath. I don’t remember being in the car directly behind the hearse that carried you away from me, nor do I remember Paul Dean and Rick prying me away from the cold steel box that held you while you slept. I don’t recall the rain that hit my face and mingled with my tears as Paul carried me from your final resting place, to sit with me in the car as Rick received the pink carnation for me to take home.

I don’t remember but yet later on, much later, I was told.

I do remember sitting on my bed, at my own home, wondering why Tooter was there, shouldn’t he be in school? And Rick saying something to me..right in front of me but so far off I couldn’t hear him still. What was it? Going somewhere, Tooter was going to stay there with me. Going to the store, I read his lips, but still couldn’t hear him..and I thot it odd.

All I could think about was coming up to see you that day. I was off work and had news to tell you! I had been promoted on that one thing me and Paul was working on together and I knew you would be proud of me. I was off..i was off and was coming up to see you I told Rick. And yet it was Rick not understanding, and Tooter looked so pained and I couldn’t figure out why. Why was he there?

I got up to get off the bed and fell in the floor before they could grab me. Rick put me back up on the bed and Tooter ran to get me a peach Nehi. What was wrong with them? I rubbed my eyes. What was wrong with me? I felt so odd, so out of place. So strange.

Tooter came back and had a hand towel wet and started rubbing my face, which irked me. What the hell was wrong with those two I thot.

Rick was saying something again, and for the life of me, I thot I’d went deaf or something. I kept trying to focus. To read his lips.

What? What was he trying to say?

“honey listen, your mommy died..you can’t go up…she died..we buried her..yesterday…it’s Saturday..honey…she died Wednesday…”

no. no. no. I screamed at him. no! I was off today. I was going to see her. We were going to have a picture taken of us, I got a camera and everything out of my last check. I got film….

I tried to get back up off the bed and couldn’t. the tears came again, and I felt something being put in my mouth, and my head being raised. I swallowed and swallowed again the cold soda going down my throat like it was on fire.

And then thankfully nothing but blackness surrounded me. It enveloped me like a casket would a cold corpse. I was drowning in it, relished it, desired it, needed it. Nothing. Just like I had been the one in the cold hard ground underneath that big pine tree on that lonely mountain top. Dead.

But it wasn’t to be the case. I would awake again, Tooter at my feet like a small puppy, Rick on one side, Paul in the floor sleeping.  I didn’t ever remember being showered or having to use the bathroom, but I’m sure they took care of me.

Days, or was it weeks later? I came to myself. I had dreamed of you.  I dreamed that the phone was ringing and I went to answer it, and you told me that you loved me. You said that you would always be with me. And I told you that I was going to come up for a while. Then, I was at the bottom of the long set of porch steps, running up them like I used to do when I was little, waiting to see you come out on the porch with your arms crossed and that big smile on your face. I was waiting to see the laughter in those warm blue eyes of yours as you would say “there’s my rain in the night..”

But I ran up the stairs, and you weren’t there. I went into the house, and I couldn’t find you.

I looked all over, and there was no trace of you, then your phone rang. I answered and it was you. I just thot you’d went down to aunt gladys’s and didn’t tell me I said…no. you said “love, I’m not here…” and still holding the phone, I looked up and found myself at your grave. And the phone went dead. You were standing next to me, and you held out your arms for me  and just held me as I cried.  “Baby, I have to go. But I will always be with you.” You said. “You have a job to do. And I will be so proud of you! You will do good. I promise.”

And as I closed my eyes, I woke up. My pillow was wet with tears. My head was pounding, and I raised up to see where Rick was. Did I dream all of this? Was this yet another nightmare that I had? I didn’t know. I looked down. This wasn’t what I had on when I went to bed last night..or the night before? Or how many nights?

I couldn’t focus on the clock, it was too painful. I slid off the bed and made my way into the living room. Paul jumped up and ran to me, Tooter came out of the other bed room. Where was Rick? Work. He had to go to work. Paul and Tooter had been there with me. They wouldn’t tell me till years and years later, they had had me on suicide watch.

What day was it? They wouldn’t say.  Paul sat me down on the couch, and Tooter went to get me some headache medicine and coffee. My mouth felt like cotton and my eyes seemed to feel swelled shut.

He held me, like you would a small child. “reigney, uh…do you remember anything?” he wouldn’t let go. He just held me as Tooter sat on the other side of me.

I think I sighed, I don’t even know. I remember the door was open and I could see the grass outside. I could see the tree branches gently swaying in the warm wind. The grass. It needs mowed I thot. What was I supposed to remember?

The last thing I did recall was my mommy. My grandmother, who was the only one to ever show me love. I never called her anything but mommy. Never gran, never mamaw like the rest of the grankids. She was my mommy.

I remember her laying on the couch right before we took her to the hospital. She had waited for me to get there, refusing to go for anyone till I made it. I ran in and hugged her. And was bawling.

She looked at me and said “you were the only one..”

The last words that were spoke to me by her.  And at that moment the realization of her not being here anymore.

“she..she..left me.” Was all I could say. And the tears came yet again, but this time I didn’t fight them. I didn’t scream. I just let them run down my face…like the rain in the night…

She left me when I was eighteen. I always knew in my heart that I would die when I turned that age, even when I was little. And in a way I did. All that remained was a shell of what used to be. It’s gotten easier to bear. But at times like now, just like yesterday.. I haven’t slept tonite.  I couldn’t. I always look at the stars, and watch them twinkle in the darkened sky.

Mommy always said that the stars were the souls of loved ones, dancing before the throne of the Great Creator. Tonite, I was watching her boogie…