My Hearts Desire

She knows the words are cold
And the heart's on fire
Trapped by these walls of steel
In a world on fire
Trusted by a word so true
Torn by her eyes so blue
And my hearts' desire

Run from the darkest moon
And take me higher
Just let it go, let it flow
Let it speak till you know
That I'm on fire
And turn when you cannot see
The truth here inside of me
And I who oh oh I see you when you're here whohoho
I who oh oh I see you when you're here
My Hearts Desire
Kane

Her hair smelled of a waterfall in the spring. It was soft, shiny and he loved to just feel it against his cheek. He loved waking up to her, lying there, one hand under her cheek, her leg usually over him, and the other hand on his cheek. He didn’t know how she could find it asleep, but she always did one way or the other. It was like she would search his face out in the middle of the night, needing to feel it, needing to know that he was still there.

He didn’t want to wake her. He was late, things kept him busy today, his mind preoccupied with being here, he lost track of what was needed to have been done. It frustrated him, at times that he felt this way. He had grown to love this girl-woman before him, and he could not tell her of his feelings.

He quietly put his bag in the living room chair and sat his guitar down in the corner. His shoes squeaked a little where they had gotten wet, so he sat on the couch and removed the noisy things.
He ran his hands through his wet hair and sunk down into the soft velvet of the fabric for just a bit. He could hear the strains of the music playing, and thought he saw the glow of some candles. She loved things like that.

She was so elegant when it came to things like that. Always thinking of what was special, what he liked. Always, she would ask what he liked first. She never thought of herself when it came to him, and it dismayed him that she was that way. She had such a vulnerable side to her, that just made him want to enfold her in his strong arms and never let her go.

He thought she had an inkling of his emotions, but he couldn’t grasp the courage enough to see if she really knew. She was always fawning over him, something that he never got at home. He loved the attention she gave him, knowing that he was the one that she was with and no one else. He knew of her situation, and gave her room when she needed it. He never pushed things with her, but sometimes would ask her what ever kept her where she was. She would tell him only obligations and promises, without ever going any further. He never asked above that, knowing that he had things that kept him where he was needed also. So it was a mutual silent agreement with them, that they were to be there for each other, to love (did he think love?) each other while they were together.

Hell, he thought. Charles Kuralt had kept a mistress for thirty years and no one ever knew including his wife and children. Sometimes you find the perfect person, they just happen to be the one that you can’t have fully. When she was with him, she was his fully.

The rain getting here had been heavy at times, and he knew it would take him time to get there. She would worry, so he left her a message just in case. She hadn’t answered, which meant she was out on the beach again. She seemed so much at peace when here, relaxed. Her eyes would shine in the moon light, and glow softly when the candles were lit.

He smiled at the thought of her, her hair, eyes, smile. Everything about her he loved. She could make him smile in a heartbeat when things at work were going all to hell. All he had to do was hear her voice and everything else would fade into the quagmire of darkness. In the midst of a breakdown with the supervisors of the company, he would think of her and tone out anything that was going on around him. She was his saving grace in the time of tribulation.

He could walk into something as simple as the grocery store and see something that would bring her to his mind. Strawberries was one. He laughed. Whip cream, melons, berries and bananas. Fruit, yes mostly. And yes, for that reason. He could pass a certain super store and think of her. Simple things brought her to mind often. Simple little things that didn’t require thoughts at all, just a glance of something and she was there.

He remembered back to their first kiss. Mon Deiu! Their first meeting was right out of a paper back novel in a way. Actually, their whole relationship was. He never read those kinds of books, but he knew about them. His sister used to bombard the library looking for Nora Roberts, Laura K. Hamilton, Danielle Steele, Fern Michael and the other ones who wrote romance and fantasy romance.

He did sneak a peak into one once, but was too macho to ever admit he did. Read all 29 chapters, and learned a lot of what women supposedly looked for and wanted.. They desired the fantasy of a man who was strong, reliable. A man who would tear their hearts out for them to come back and beg for more. They wanted someone to hold them tenderly, kiss them softly, and ravage their bodies like there was no tomorrow. Sounded like a plan to him. And yes, in the end, the girl always got the guy, the guy always got the girl, they over came all obstacles and lived happily ever after.

But. This was real life. No pretending. And it was scary as hell. He sometimes couldn’t wrap his mind around how things were with them. It seemed at times he stayed confused, thinking too hard about things. Day dreaming about the times they were together and really at the most inappropriate times at that. He often wondered, did she him? When they weren’t together, did she think of him, dream of him, reach out to touch him like he did her?

He had to be very careful with things. If he kept her on his mind for too long, he would wake up with her name on his lips. He did that once,, explaining away that no, he never said a name, he had been mumbling something and if it was a name, it was probably just a thing he’d been working on. It was nothing, nobody, what was the problem? Only to turn over and close his eyes to see her there.

He had called to meet her for dinner that first time. Just dinner. He was thrilled that she said yes, and he knew that she could sense the excitement in his voice. He felt like a child who just caught the winning ball in the world series. He made excuses not to be home. Working late, got things that need to be done, paper work over due...anything to make sure the plan was fool proof.

She had never accepted before. Well, given the fact that he had never asked. It took him a while to get his courage up. He had been talking to her off and on for a long time, and grew to love it. She had a way about her, carefree, down to earth. She didn’t seem stuck on herself or vain in any way. If anything, she was quiet about herself, always giving to him. She loved to tease him into a frenzy with her words. He would listen intently as to what she would say, as her words would get breathless with each sentence, she knew the affect she had on him, and it left him with a rapid heart beat and a very bad hard on. Innocent always with her. He grew to love the way she would call him names, always some term of endearment. She was fun. Fun loving. She was his fantasy in this crazy mixed up world he lived in. Mundane work was, tiresome home was. Never mundane or tiresome was her energy, wit and charm.

He picked a restaurant that was out of the way. A small Mexican one with dark booths in the back. He had gotten there first and waited. Nervous, he had ordered a couple of margarita’s and downed them in one gulp.

He kept looking around, unsure of things. Maybe he had made a mistake in all of this. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing this. Things were as they were and there was no changing them it seemed. Did that give him the right to do what was on his mind? Anything could be justified. Any sin had been down through the ages. No love left, there for the name, just smiling and going on like nothing was wrong to friends but knowing that what you felt in the beginning was no longer there at the end. Marriage was supposed to be till death do you part. But..what if your soul, your love for that person died first? Wouldn’t that be the death they were referring to instead of a physical death? Shouldn’t it be that if the love died, then you parted? Vows were taken, and vows were broke. Nothing could be done now about that. Yes. Anything could be justified away.

He was tired of justifying things. He was a man dammit, and he would do as he pleased. She did after all. So, that made it even. A marriage of convenience. People done it all the time, and he was no different. No property to split, no alimony. No divorce attorney to have to pay. Simple.

He saw her enter the door and he knew at that one moment, his heart would be lost...she was his hearts’ desire.