Today will be Better

Her eyes fluttered open, the harsh light that hit them made them hurt. Her mouth felt like it had cotton balls in it, reminding her for some reason of the cotton from an asprin bottle. She tried raising her head just a little, and found when she did, it pounded like a jack hammer/

She put her hand up to her eye to touch it. Yes, it was swollen. It’s going to be hard to explain again, she thought.
She lay there, not moving, afraid to actually because she didn’t know if anything else was broke. She hurt all over.
She licked her dry lips and tasted blood. It was like iron in her mouth, almost making her gag.

She lay there trying to remember the events unfolding last night. Fuzzy memories came back, her in bed sleeping soundly, then all hell breaking loose.

What had she been dreaming? Something. Something nice and romantic. A picnic in the park with a really nice looking guy. A smile from him and him pouring her a drink….

She felt the tug before she opened her eyes. Her head hurt from where he’d wrapped his hands around her long hair and jerked her out of bed. She fell down with a loud thud on the floor, half asleep still, scared not knowing what was going on. He’d had been screaming at her the whole time, but in her deep sleep, she never heard him.

He jerked her up by her hair and raised his hand to smack her across her face. She instinctively tried to shield herself but to no avail, the hand is quicker than the eye. There was a resounding SMACK SMACK SMACK sound through her room as he hit her three times before she knew what had happened.

For the life of her, she couldn’t fathom why or what triggered him this time. She done what she was told, kept the house clean fed the children, cleaned up after them. She carried the water in, as they only had a well outside about twenty yards from the house. Five gallon buckets to do the laundtry in an old wringer washer and another five gallon bucket for drinking out of. She had even emptied the washer and the rinse tub this time good, and the clothes that hung out on the line were already folded neat and put away.

He was yelling at her, screaming to the top of his voice, and she knew the boys were listening in their bed. She prayed that they stay put, and act like they were still sleeping so as not to evoke his wrath upon them.

He was yelling in her ear now, just like a drill sergeant would in the army. He fancied him self another Sergeant Carter , barking orders and handing out punishment when it wasn’t done right to his liking. Anything could set him off. He was a tall man, skinny black hair that was always greased back like Elvis. He had steel blue eyes that would cut you down, an intimidating posture, and a deep voice. He had quit drinking, and she had prayed so hard that the beatings would quit also, but they hadn’t.

He hit her in the face, and she fell, oh God, she shouldn’t have fell. She tried to keep her balance, but couldn’t the force of the blow had been too much for her tiny frame.

He jerked her up again, and kicked her in her side, knocking her down one more time. She could feel the blood trickle down her face, but dared not to wipe it away. She picked her self up and stood there tall, defiant (even if he couldn’t see that) and silent.

He had asked her “What the hell were you doing coming out when I had company? You know better than that! You know that you aren’t allowed out when men are over here!”

So. That’s what this was about she thought. He had had friends over, his buddies. She had absentmindly came out to go to the toilet. She should have held it, but she couldn’t any longer. They were in the kitchen shooting the bull when she tried passing by without being noticed. One had spoken to her, saying hi. That was all. She never looked up or even acknowledged that she had been talked to. She just went on out the door, and came back hurriedly passing by and going back to her room.

It was a rule. She was not ever allowed out of her room when company was at the house. There were people who would see her out and not even realize she was a part of that family.

She stood there, not knowing whether to answer him or to be quiet. Either way, she knew that it was going to get worse.

“You whore! You goddamned bitch you! What were you thinking you whore? Is that what you want? You looked at that man is that what you want? To fuck him? You are nothing! You are nobody! Get that through your thick skull! You are a piece of trash that just needs to be burned! I can’t trust you as far as I can throw your worthless body! You need to be beat for what you did! You need to understand here that you are a stupid retarded worthless piece of shit!”

Another hit to her face, this time her lip split, and she thought maybe a tooth had been chipped. His hands were big, and the fist he made was all knuckle and rough flesh.

“I didn’t mean to. I had to go to the bathroom” she whispered, not knowing if he heard her or not.

“Really? Well hell,” he yelled in her ear “Any goddamned excuse is better than none now right?” He hit her in the back of her head, snapping her neck forward. She grunted, and knew that was the wrong thing to do. But she couldn’t help it.

He kicked her again, knocking her back down.

“Get on your knee’s whore. Get on those goddamned knee’s and tell me that you are sorry for disobeying me. NOW!”

She scrambled as quickly as she could to get on her knees’ and bowed her head. Her hands were on her lap, folded. She tried to keep them still, but they were shaking so hard she had to put one over the other just to hold them still.

“I’m sorry.” She croaked. “I’m sorry for coming out of my room and disobeying you.”

“What? I didnnn’t hheeeerrreee youuu!” he drawled out bending down to scream it in her ear. “What was that whore?”

She dared not look up at his face. She cleared her throat, trying to not choke on the blood that was running down the back of it from her nose.

“I am so so sorry. I will never do it again. I will stay in my room and not come out. I will be good. I promise.”

He jerked her back up and threw her against the back wall. She felt the sheetrock give and knew there would be a hole where her head landed. She slid down in a crumpled heap on the floor, trying her best to get up before he came at her again. She managed to stagger and stand.

The pain was unbearable in her face, and her sides felt like they had just caved in. find a place to go she thought. Find a peaceful place to go. France? No, she went there the last time. The people there were friendly to her and she loved the tower. A beach. On the coast of South America. Or, she thought, let’s go see the Myan temples this time. Yeah! The temple ruins it was. Her mind drifted, leaving her body to find the elusive crystal skulls.

She could hear him yelling in the distance, but paid it no mind. Her body was on automatic, answering when asked, standing, getting back up, trying not to shield from the blows. Keeping eyes down and not closed until it would be all over. If she was lucky, she’ll be able to get up in the morning just sore. Regardless she had a job to do. Regardless she had children that depended on her to be there for them and take care of them

She started praying.

God, please let me be able to live through this one. Take care of the boys for me. Don’t let them have to suffer. As your Son suffered on the cross for our sins, please let me be the one here so they won’t have to go through this. Please do not forsake me, keep me in your loving arms as a Father should a child. Protect the innocent ones here Father. Let them be able to be strong and healthy. Father give me the strength to be able to do the things that I need to do. Let me be a light to the world Father. Let me be able to have what it takes to help others.

The blows got worse on her body as she was repeatedly hit and smacked as she stood there, still and silent.

Help me Lord…Help me Father…Help me Lord…she cried out in her mind.

Is anybody there? Can you hear me Father? Please I’m begging You….help me….
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Her eyes fluttered open, the harsh light that hit them made them hurt. Her mouth felt like it had cotton balls in it, reminding her for some reason of the cotton from an asprin bottle. She tried raising her head just a little, and found when she did, it pounded like a jack hammer…..

She had mercifully passed out last night. She was still on the cold floor, hard and rough on her bruised back.

She had the urge to pee, and she really hoped she hadn’t already on herself.

She rolled over, getting on her hands and knees, dragging herself up by the mattress on the unslept bed.

She staggered a little, and regained her balance. Her eyes were trying to focus but not doing too good of a job. She eased herself down on the bed and let out a big sigh. No one else was up yet. The dawn was just now approaching. The harsh light was still there, but she looked again, it wasn’t supposed to be that way, she guessed maybe her eyes just needed a rest.

She looked around and found the bucket that she was supposed to use for a bathroom. It hadn’t been there when she needed it, finding it in the toilet, she brought it back with her.

She tried to stand once again, and walked slowly over to it. Her arms hurt, as well as everything else on her. She slowly pulled down her panties, eased down on the hard bucket and tried to pee. It hurt. Her sides hurt like a toothache. She sat there for a few minutes praying that the stream that was in her would come on out. Finally, she heard a dribble or two, before the flood came. It hurt so bad just to pee. She put her head in her hands and ran her hands through her matted hair.

Looking around, she found an old rag to wipe on. She looked at it. Blood. She looked in the bucket. Blood. She had peed blood. She pulled her panties back up, put on a pair of loose pants. She quietly took the bucket and made her way to the toilet to empty it before anyone got up to see anything.

The sun was almost over the mountains now, the warmth of it blanketed her skin. She smiled, as best she could. Peace. This must be what it felt like.

A quiet time, a beautiful sunrise over the mountain top. The wind blowing gently, the leaves dancing on the tree limbs. The dew was still on the grass, cleansing her sore feet as she walked back to the house.

Maybe today I can do better. Maybe today I won’t make anyone mad at me.
Maybe today…I won’t get beat.

Her puppy came up to her, wagging his tail, and jumping. He jumped on her, and pain shot through her whole body. Tears trailed down her yellow and black eyes, as she knew Skipper didn’t mean to hurt her. He loved her. He cared for her. He was her only friend. He was hungry, she laughed. She got the dog food out for him, and fed him one piece at a time for a while. He would sit, beg, and give her his paw for a bite. He loved her.

The warmth felt good to her, but she knew that the quiet wouldn’t last too much longer. She would let the boys sleep. It was Sunday. It was Sunday, right? Yes. Yes. She lost count of the days in the summer sometimes. It was easy to do when the nights were all the same. It was easy to do when the days were too….

Today. Another day. Today I will be better. I will do better. I will make him proud of me and I won’t mess up anymore….

She walked slowly to the well, Skipper following her every step. She lowered the bucket and drew up some cold water. She bent down and splashed the cold water on her face. It hurt so bad, but felt so good. It seemed to clear her head just a little.

She put the bucket back, and froze in her tracks. She heard him yelling for her. She wasn’t in her room.

“I’m just here at the well!” she tried hollering back.

He caught sight of her and walked back into the house.

Today. I will do better. I will do what I am told and I will not cause any trouble. Eyes down. Hands to my sides. Walk quietly. Whisper and not speak unless spoken to. Do what he wants me to do. Obey. Obey what is told to me. Do what he tells me to do.

Today…will be better, she thought as she made her way back to the house to face him….